I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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