i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
