she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dignity is for republicans.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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