Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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