So drunk its hurt
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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