Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
