If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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