i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
