At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
