when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
