I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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