I want to make a zoo with you.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
