Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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