I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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