then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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