My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
