well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
