Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
