I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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