heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
