Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
