he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
