I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
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