im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
