he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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