a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
