I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
