I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
