I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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