Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
