i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
is that a dick in a sweater?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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