Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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