its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
