Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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