oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
