i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
