the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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