tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Randomize
