Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
