Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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