He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
