I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize