It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
