You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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