life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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