i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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