Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
