3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
