reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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