Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
