Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
