how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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