Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
