Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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