I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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