Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
