if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
