I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize