walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
