i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
