I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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