Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
