His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
