I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
